Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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