im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
