Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
