How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
