he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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