im six kinds of drunk right now
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
