Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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