I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
