I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Can't talk, ducks in the car
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize