Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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