were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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