guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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