so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
