My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
