i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
