after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
