i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
