I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
