Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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