I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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