I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
