I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
