you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
