My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize