Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
