new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
