there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
