running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize