apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she looked like the before picture.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
