so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize