Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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