I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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