If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
