i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize