Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
