Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
