Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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