DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
