I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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