I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
