it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
