his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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