It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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