her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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