dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
