i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My balls are so social today.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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