My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
