and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
