You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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