just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I did not marry a roomba.
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