I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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