A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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