HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
