every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just puked most of my soul out..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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