Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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