cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I will be naked everywhere
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize