Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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