Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
and she was petting her beer can
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
