Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
